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Monday, November 07, 2011Y

A Letter to my 16 Year Old Self

Hiya 16 year old Clo,

If you could only see yourself now! I'm writing to tell you how your life is going to be and the things you need to do to make your journey all the more easier and happier.

Firstly, you may be angry with 2 of your friends now and you may not be speaking to them due to the actions of others but you need to know that they will eventually become 2 of your closest friends and your oldest. They will support you in your times of angst in the coming years, make you laugh the loudest and hug you when you need it. And believe it or not, one of them will have (not 1 or 2) but 4 kids!!! Also, you'll have one up over them because remember that promise you all made when you were 13 years old that you would travel to the UK to see Take That in concert? Well, you will fulfill that promise- not once but three times!

Oh, and don't fret over mathematics- you may swear till you are blue in the face that you hate it but you will eventually choose a career that involves numbers EVERY DAY.

The arguments you have with your parents and siblings may hurt everyone involved but you will learn to curb your tongue and temper and there will be a day when instead of feeling bitterness towards them, you will miss them and enjoy every second of chats, laughs, singing, crying and cuddling. You will also realise that they are proud of your achievements, whatever they are.

You will succeed in getting into one of the top 3 junior colleges to do your A levels (despite all your doubts) and you will forge some of your strongest friendships with the most wonderful people. Your strong friendship with your English teacher will start with you smacking your essay on the table while he looks on at you throwing a tantrum because you have never 'gotten less than a 24/30 in an essay EVER'. He will teach you a hard lesson on reality and managing expectations- that sometimes it's ok to try reaching for the stars but in reality, no one ever really gets to touch them so be happy that you tried your best and gave it all you could.

Your lack of confidence will find its footing in college and soar as you finally figure out the person you want to be and where you want to go. Your determination will win you the respect of your family and your peers. The tears you shed in your first year as a Theatre Studies and Drama student will not go to waste because you will learn to channel your anger and frustrations and you will create a role for yourself that you will love and many people will remember you for.

The best part of all this is that you will find the strength and courage to travel more than 7000 miles away from home to start your university life. You will be scared and nervous at first but you will love every minute of your 3 years in Bristol. Your passion for Old English will be ignited and you will actually appreciate Beowulf in a way a lot other people can't - in its true form. Although your circle of friends in university will not be massive, the ones you have you will cherish.

You will carry on to work for 2 of the big 4 accounting firms in one of the best cities in Europe. London- with all its lights, palaces, theatres and museums- will be your dream life come true. Some of the friends you make in the workplace will be the ones who will never judge you and you will spend hours in cosy cafes with them, discussing everything from office gossip to what bothers you the most.

This journey will not always be smooth but you will learn the most important lessons:

1) You may hate confrontations but you will learn that confrontation is sometimes necessary to weed out the bad friends, forge new relationships or strengthen current friendships.

2) Your heart will be broken by friends and boys/men alike but you will learn to get over these people quicker. You will realise that instead of wasting time on the people who do not deserve your unconditional loyalty and add no value to your happiness or life, you need to focus instead on the ones who do.

3) And most of all, you will learn that hardest lesson you could never understand when you were younger: Self-worth. You will be less tolerant when people keep taking advantage of you and your sometimes over-generosity. You will respect yourself more so that you can disassociate yourself from people who make you feel negative about yourself, professionally or personally. You will eventually learn that you deserve better and that you should NEVER sell yourself short.

Learn well and

love,

Yourself

PS: You're going to get a B for Mandarin- that day will herald the flying of many pigs :)

11/07/2011 11:13:00 PM

Saturday, October 15, 2011Y

It's sometimes good to reach a point where you are so angry that you can finally decide to let go of things you should have let go of a long time ago.

For a period, I kept denying the fact that it is possible for a person to be selfish. So selfish that he/she would disregard the feelings of another. I say this person is selfish because he/she is fully aware of the effects of his/her selfish actions on the other person.

This I cannot accept.

It's one thing to be unaware but to be fully conscious of being insensitive is another.

It was a hard fall - hard enough to cause a major fracture to my chest and fissure to my heart. This will take time to heal. And it's a difficult fracture/fissure to hide.

But in the end, it WILL heal. The scars will remain- puckered, shiny and pink - but they will serve as a reminder of the fall and why I should never trip up again.

I will never let anyone make me feel that small ever again.

This person will have no power over me.

10/15/2011 11:58:00 PM

Sunday, July 17, 2011Y

It's taken me this long to realise that one of my greatest pet peeves is

Inconsistency

I think it is the one thing I cannot fathom- especially when it comes to human behaviour.

I know the human behaviour is erratic but I just cannot help but question - how can one person behave one way and then change? The person on the receiving end just ends up getting hurt or confused.

In this case, what is to be done? As the recipient of such odd behaviour, do I just ignore or cull this inconsistent nitwit from my life?

Although I know now that I deserve much better treatment, I just cannot help but feel perturbed and affected by displays of hot and cold.

I guess all I can do is pray for the strength to cut myself off..

Sever all ties.

7/17/2011 12:28:00 AM

Sunday, May 29, 2011Y

I have to state the obvious-

Maturity doesn't come automatically with age.

Nor does wisdom.

As I face the reality that I am no longer a fresh faced woman (I use this word now but I initially typed 'girl'...) in her early twenties, I marvel at how time has passed and that it seems as if everyone and everything else have moved forward and I've been left behind.

The way I think and behave has not changed. In fact, I'm still in the same place as I was 4 years ago and that actually worries me slightly. My thoughts at 28 is still the same as when I was 18.

The stagnant nature of my current lifestyle was proving a bit too stifling and it just hit me that I wasn't actually taking full advantage of what life in London could offer me, especially in terms of what I call 'cultural development'.

In a bid to somehow reconnect with my humanities academic past (oh how long ago it seems...), I signed up for an Art course. Somehow, that has actually provided the calm I needed. In those 2 hours, it's purely 'me' time. I escape from the hectic city life and I leave my office cares behind me as I try to sketch curves and depict shadows on a clean sheet of paper. At the same time, my thoughts swirl in my mind calmly instead of criss-crossing each other haphazardly. I actually hear the voice of reason and serenity.

By the time Monday comes, I start my week clean. I have a new perspective on things. I have now learnt that I needed to do something new to prevent my mind from getting too focussed on the unimportant; to learn that a job is, really, just a job. That people should not affect my day or my mood. That not every problem points to me. Sometimes, I lapse and I worry but at least I'm doing it less frequently.

Most importantly, I think I have learnt that I cannot stubbornly hold on to things like how a child clings on to a doll or toy even though the doll has lost a limb or the toy is falling apart. Yes, it's all about cutting your losses quickly instead of settling for the familiar when the familiar is proving to bring more unhappiness than comfort. I require a bit more faith so I can try to reach out and fight for what I want instead of cacooning myself in the familiar silk threads of obscurity.

I'm finally learning how to progress from a little green shoot to something bigger.. and I sure as hell hope it'll be a mighty great oak..

5/29/2011 12:06:00 AM

Monday, January 10, 2011Y

It's been too long..

Now with the New Year comes the busy tax season and it was difficult to reflect on my year, my accomplishments and what lies ahead for me.

I am thankful for my new job.

I am thankful for my friends - the old and the new.

I am thankful for the missed opportunities because they have taught me to reach out and grasp the potential new ones.

I have learnt many lesssons this past year, the main 3 being:

- Never take crap from ANYONE because I am better than that

- Never accept being Option/Plan B

- I can only get good things for me if I fight for them.

One lesson to bring forward is to try not to look at myself in the mirror and bring myself down by thinking I am worth nothing.

As I step into this new year, I make no resolutions because they will only turn out to be promises I cannot keep.

However, I WILL approach this year with a new attitude about myself which will, in turn, change the attitude others have towards me.

1/10/2011 11:04:00 PM

Saturday, September 11, 2010Y

I would be lying to say I wasn't disappointed that a person suddenly stopped all contact because secretly, I hoped it was going somewhere further; or at least he'd give me a chance by talking etc.

It is really such a puzzle that someone can just enter your life in a brief flicker and then disappear as if it didn't happen. It's this reason that makes me go back to my inbox and check that whatever I received wasn't a lie. Just a reassurance that for a few good days, this person was interested in me for me.

It was a puzzlement at first and then it turned to anger (due to the sheer rudeness at the sudden disappearance) and now it's just the smouldering remainder of what anger left behind- bewilderment and disappointment.

But at the same time, I have learnt something about myself- that I trust people too much, even people I have never met before. While it is a good trait to have at times, but this also means this gives me plenty of opportunities to be let down and I either have to live with that or just stop trusting.

I wished I didn't get so much into this like I told myself initially. I just didn't realise there were people out there who could look and sound decent and then turn out to be rude jerks- rather, I didn't want to believe there were people like that whom I would encounter.

Although I have been told- don't take things personal- it's IS personal. It's not personal to the person that has done this to me but it IS personal to me.

I guess now that this person has disappointed me now at this stage, if he does resurface, chances are I might not trust him enough to give him a chance.

9/11/2010 10:24:00 AM

Tuesday, September 07, 2010Y

Love this song.. Been singing it in my head the whole day.. God, what would I do without music???

It's one of those songs with meaning that resonates in your mind. You can't help but sing it..

Lay It On Me ~ The Rescues

All these faces look the same
But it's not you
There's smoke but not a flame
No, it's nothing like you

All I want is to see some sign
Maybe something to believe

Tell me I'm wrong
Tell me you want me
I can take anything
You can lay it on me
Lay it on me

Today is like the day before
Without you
The shadows lengthen on the floor
Without you

I am haunted by your sympathy
Will you tell me what it means?

Tell me I'm wrong
Tell me you want me
I can take anything
You can lay it on me
I can be strong
If you don't want me
Honesty's all I need
Just lay it on me

I believed that fate would save us
But time it heals the pain while it steals you away

Tell me I'm wrong
Tell me you want me
I can take anything
You can lay it on me
I can be strong
If you don't want me
Honesty's all I need
Just lay it on me
Just lay it on me

9/07/2010 10:17:00 PM

Sunday, September 05, 2010Y

A whole year goes by and it's that time again when I start my self reflection before I decide whether to give myself a pat on the back or a kick on the behind on the day I turn one year older.

I always tend to look back on my previous posts- just to check if I've matured or if I'd do the things I did before.

One thing that made me cringe was the broadcasting of my psychotic unrequited love back in my uni days. Good Lord, I will NEVER do that again.. the worst part was that it wasn't even worth that effort. A total waste of blog space. On the bright side, it probably made a lot of my friends laugh at my naivity and girlish clumsiness in my attempt at 'fishing'..

I've also learnt one thing this year. And that is if anyone says, 'Don't look back and regret', it's the one advice not to take.

Regret- derived from regretten (Middle English) and related to grāta (Old Nordic/Anglo-Saxon)

Its original meaning was to mourn, lament or weep.

And I do lament my past. For without weeping or lamenting, how can I recognise that it was a mistake and that I must learn from it?

It is good to look back and regret because it means I can let go of the past and not hope that something good could come out of the mistake in future. The point is that there is no good in a mistake. Now I also realise how foolish I was in my choices.

I laughed over my mistakes with Ehi as we recalled my experiences and while it is good that I can find humour in it, the fact is, there will always be regret.

But with regret, I can finally try and do things differently which will hopefully result in a better ending.

9/05/2010 11:36:00 PM

Saturday, September 04, 2010Y

North or South??

I feel like an explorer deep in the middle of the Amazon rainforest without a compass.

While I'm quivering with excitement at the prospect that a new adventure is underway, there is a fear tugging at the back of my mind.

I'm in totally unfamiliar territory and it is daunting.

And as usual, I question if this was part of the plan. And no, it isn't. The plan was to get to the outskirts of the rainforest, see it and then get chased out by frightening wild animals. The plan was not to get persuaded by sweet looking butterflies and big-eyed deers to go further in.

Now, I'm stuck in the middle of this dense place and the butterflies are still beckoning but I do not trust enough to follow them.

Then a bird sings and it makes me question my purpose for being here.

The thing is, I don't know.

I could hear in the bird's music that I needed to ask if this was where I wanted to be and if I was able to trust myself enough to navigate out of this place while having fun exploring.

The bird flies to a river snaking through the heart of the forest.

There it is- the one certain thing.

The only thing I need to do is go with the flow..

Wise words from the little bird..

9/04/2010 12:55:00 PM

Thursday, September 02, 2010Y

Although most people would think that since their time in the office is coming to an end and they can just slack off, I (for some reason or another) cannot do this.

I am guilty of being one of the people who has criticised ex-colleagues for leaving without doing what they were supposed to, ie: making sure that all files are updated, that anything outstanding is reported to the other team members etc

And I, for one, do not want to have any criticism trailing behind me as I walk out the doors!

So here I am wondering if I should go into the office on a weekend to just complete all my administrative tasks and trawl through a list of files to make sure the right pieces of paper go to the right places.

Ah, the bane of corporate responsibility!!!!

9/02/2010 09:14:00 PM